"Well, he doesn't do that at my house". "He didn't do that the last time he was here". "He ate it yesterday, so why can't he eat it today"? "It didn't seem to bother him when I took him there"! "He knows right from wrong, he shouldn't be doing that". "He knows that he's not supposed to say that". If you have a child with SPD, severe anxiety, autism, ADHD, dyspraxia, or another challenge affecting learning, muscle, or impulse control, I can pretty much guarantee you have heard one of these statements, or something of the ilk. The judgment, lack of understanding, and inability to muster compassion is one of the most irritating things that I have ever encountered since becoming a parent.
If you have [what I refer to as] a "mainstream" child- one lucky enough to not be affected by any behavioral, mental, or learning obstacles- you are lucky. If your child wakes up and it doesn't physically hurt their eyes for 30 minutes after you turn the lights on, you are lucky. If you can run into the grocery, grab 2 items and go without any fuss, feel happy. Can your kid sit in a desk at school for long periods of time with no qualms? Be grateful. (You think I mean hours at a time; by long time I mean 15 minutes?) If your kid will bathe without fighting for 3 DAYS, be thankful.
I have received judgment for allowing my kid to eat wherever he feels comfortable in my home. Let me pose this question: if the combined smells of cooking and various foods were so overwhelming that you couldn't concentrate or make yourself eat even though you are hungry, would you want to sit at the table? Fischer will not eat at the table. As an adult, we make these choices for ourselves. Since I am my son's advocate, and I know him better than anyone, I choose to attempt to see things from his perspective. Yes, in certain environments and situations he needs to eat at the table (school, restaurants), but if he doesn't have to, or if it's really not that big of deal [in the grand scheme of things], why make him? And btw, he employs all of these coping mechanisms in "public", so I'm not going to make him do that at home- he needs a safe place to just be. THIS is why he behaves differently when I am around.
Does the thought of your child being in pain bother you? Of course it does. This is why I do what I do. This is the entire reason I parent the way I do. Until you have read countless books and articles, followed research developments, joined support groups, and sought guidance and advice from medical professionals, i.e., OTs, PTs, Speech Therapists, Neuropsychologists, you shouldn't be judging. You shouldn't be offering advice. And even if you did all of those things, you shouldn't be judging because every child is different. If you have more than 1 "mainstream" child, you know that each pregnancy was different. Each of your children has a different personality. Each child likes and does different things. So, why wouldn't each special needs child be different as well? Each disability, disorder, or obstacle presents itself differently in each child.
At 7 years-old, Fischer sucks his thumb on occasion. He has oral motor dysfunction...this means his neurological system is calmed by having something in his mouth to suck or chew on. His anxiety decreases when he has something in his mouth. Do I wish my 7 year-old would not suck his thumb? Absolutely. Would I rather he suck his thumb than be wrenched with anxiety? Yup. I realize that he may need braces. Would you judge a child with down syndrome for oppositional behavior? You shouldn't as it is sometimes a way of communicating frustration. But I find that most people who do judge are less judgmental of a child's disability if it is visibly obvious.
Right now, we are going through a bit of a swearing phase. Not gonna lie here, sometimes it's tough to withhold laughter. My kid struggles with impulse control. He can sometimes not stop himself from grabbing things even if you tell him not to. He isn't being deliberately disobedient- his neuro system just doesn't process fast enough to stop himself. Well, it's the same with his language. As a normal functioning adult, you know when it's appropriate to swear or filter your language. A child struggling with impulse control may know that it's not appropriate to swear, but because his/her sensory input doesn't process normally, the child sometimes lets language fly in inappropriate places. It isn't because I let my child watch inappropriate programs on tv. It isn't because I don't adjust my language when I'm around him. It isn't because I don't point out naughty language when he hears it from others or in public. He actually can't help it. The other day Fischer dropped something and it spilled on the carpet. His verbal response was, "son-of-a-bitch...I mean, oh darnit, I mean...ohhhh, what do I say?" He was clinching his fists as he was doing this because he was irritated with himself that he couldn't filter fast enough. For a while, he was punching himself in the stomach because he thought if he did that, maybe he could "get the bad stuff out". Seriously, how sad is this? (Luckily, our OT has helped us with a good solution that involves Star Wars and Darth Vader, and of course anything related to Star Wars is going to go over well in my household.) Think about this the next time you hear a child swear in public- you just don't know.
Fischer's dad was recently in an accident which caused unbelievable anxiety- crippling anxiety. We had to pull him out of school for a few months. He was exhibiting out-of-character behaviors. He was ashamed of his behavior. He would come home and say, "mommy, I know it was wrong, but I didn't do those things, my body did those things". Shame is a HORRIBLE feeling. Imagine being a child with a huge sense of remorse feeling shame. He has made reference to the movie Inside Out to describe his feelings. I received judgment for my choice to pull him out of school. I don't care. It was what was best for my child at the time. I'm not concerned with him falling behind academically; he's going to be very successful. At this point, I'm concerned about his emotional well being. I want my kid to be happy.
Since he started OT at 3 years-old, Fischer has developed tremendous coping mechanisms to function "normally" in society and school. But it's tiring. If you had to "try" to not let smells, loud noises, changes in lighting, atmosphere, and situations bother you- I guarantee you would be exhausted. And imagine being a child and having to do this. It's pretty tough to learn or function if you have to try so hard just to function at a level that comes natural for mainstream people.
After reading this you might think that it's obvious that Fischer has a sensory disorder. It's not visibly obvious. It's not obvious unless you know or spend significant time with him. He's that good. And he's fun, and funny. He's loving and charismatic. He doesn't have a hard time making friends. But, that doesn't mean he doesn't face challenges on a daily basis. Just because you can't see a disability, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. AND, most importantly, just because you don't understand, doesn't mean you are right.
If you have [what I refer to as] a "mainstream" child- one lucky enough to not be affected by any behavioral, mental, or learning obstacles- you are lucky. If your child wakes up and it doesn't physically hurt their eyes for 30 minutes after you turn the lights on, you are lucky. If you can run into the grocery, grab 2 items and go without any fuss, feel happy. Can your kid sit in a desk at school for long periods of time with no qualms? Be grateful. (You think I mean hours at a time; by long time I mean 15 minutes?) If your kid will bathe without fighting for 3 DAYS, be thankful.
I have received judgment for allowing my kid to eat wherever he feels comfortable in my home. Let me pose this question: if the combined smells of cooking and various foods were so overwhelming that you couldn't concentrate or make yourself eat even though you are hungry, would you want to sit at the table? Fischer will not eat at the table. As an adult, we make these choices for ourselves. Since I am my son's advocate, and I know him better than anyone, I choose to attempt to see things from his perspective. Yes, in certain environments and situations he needs to eat at the table (school, restaurants), but if he doesn't have to, or if it's really not that big of deal [in the grand scheme of things], why make him? And btw, he employs all of these coping mechanisms in "public", so I'm not going to make him do that at home- he needs a safe place to just be. THIS is why he behaves differently when I am around.
Does the thought of your child being in pain bother you? Of course it does. This is why I do what I do. This is the entire reason I parent the way I do. Until you have read countless books and articles, followed research developments, joined support groups, and sought guidance and advice from medical professionals, i.e., OTs, PTs, Speech Therapists, Neuropsychologists, you shouldn't be judging. You shouldn't be offering advice. And even if you did all of those things, you shouldn't be judging because every child is different. If you have more than 1 "mainstream" child, you know that each pregnancy was different. Each of your children has a different personality. Each child likes and does different things. So, why wouldn't each special needs child be different as well? Each disability, disorder, or obstacle presents itself differently in each child.
At 7 years-old, Fischer sucks his thumb on occasion. He has oral motor dysfunction...this means his neurological system is calmed by having something in his mouth to suck or chew on. His anxiety decreases when he has something in his mouth. Do I wish my 7 year-old would not suck his thumb? Absolutely. Would I rather he suck his thumb than be wrenched with anxiety? Yup. I realize that he may need braces. Would you judge a child with down syndrome for oppositional behavior? You shouldn't as it is sometimes a way of communicating frustration. But I find that most people who do judge are less judgmental of a child's disability if it is visibly obvious.
Right now, we are going through a bit of a swearing phase. Not gonna lie here, sometimes it's tough to withhold laughter. My kid struggles with impulse control. He can sometimes not stop himself from grabbing things even if you tell him not to. He isn't being deliberately disobedient- his neuro system just doesn't process fast enough to stop himself. Well, it's the same with his language. As a normal functioning adult, you know when it's appropriate to swear or filter your language. A child struggling with impulse control may know that it's not appropriate to swear, but because his/her sensory input doesn't process normally, the child sometimes lets language fly in inappropriate places. It isn't because I let my child watch inappropriate programs on tv. It isn't because I don't adjust my language when I'm around him. It isn't because I don't point out naughty language when he hears it from others or in public. He actually can't help it. The other day Fischer dropped something and it spilled on the carpet. His verbal response was, "son-of-a-bitch...I mean, oh darnit, I mean...ohhhh, what do I say?" He was clinching his fists as he was doing this because he was irritated with himself that he couldn't filter fast enough. For a while, he was punching himself in the stomach because he thought if he did that, maybe he could "get the bad stuff out". Seriously, how sad is this? (Luckily, our OT has helped us with a good solution that involves Star Wars and Darth Vader, and of course anything related to Star Wars is going to go over well in my household.) Think about this the next time you hear a child swear in public- you just don't know.
Fischer's dad was recently in an accident which caused unbelievable anxiety- crippling anxiety. We had to pull him out of school for a few months. He was exhibiting out-of-character behaviors. He was ashamed of his behavior. He would come home and say, "mommy, I know it was wrong, but I didn't do those things, my body did those things". Shame is a HORRIBLE feeling. Imagine being a child with a huge sense of remorse feeling shame. He has made reference to the movie Inside Out to describe his feelings. I received judgment for my choice to pull him out of school. I don't care. It was what was best for my child at the time. I'm not concerned with him falling behind academically; he's going to be very successful. At this point, I'm concerned about his emotional well being. I want my kid to be happy.
Since he started OT at 3 years-old, Fischer has developed tremendous coping mechanisms to function "normally" in society and school. But it's tiring. If you had to "try" to not let smells, loud noises, changes in lighting, atmosphere, and situations bother you- I guarantee you would be exhausted. And imagine being a child and having to do this. It's pretty tough to learn or function if you have to try so hard just to function at a level that comes natural for mainstream people.
After reading this you might think that it's obvious that Fischer has a sensory disorder. It's not visibly obvious. It's not obvious unless you know or spend significant time with him. He's that good. And he's fun, and funny. He's loving and charismatic. He doesn't have a hard time making friends. But, that doesn't mean he doesn't face challenges on a daily basis. Just because you can't see a disability, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. AND, most importantly, just because you don't understand, doesn't mean you are right.
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